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Navigating the Holidays when Struggling to Conceive

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We know the holidays are typically sources of joy and gathering with loved ones. But when in the midst of a fertility struggle, these same gatherings and special days can be triggering and filled with anxiety and grief, too. We joined together with our colleagues Fertility Therapist Batya Novick, LCSW, and Integrative Health Coach Kara Becker, both from The Calla Collective, to give you some tips to make this time of year easier. For more in-depth discussion, please checkout the video on our Instagram page from a recent Live @lilyandhorn

 

1.     Be selective - You don't have to accept every invitation, especially if you know the event might be triggering (lots of pregnant women, babies, nosy people, etc.). The holidays happen every year, so check in to see if it’s ok to sit some events out if that feels right to you.

2.     Have a vent buddy - select one or two close people in your life to call or text if you need to vent. Venting is a form of processing that can help you find calm again after experiencing a trigger. You can preface the chat by saying “I just need to vent and have you listen if you have a few minutes”. This clues your vent buddy in on what it is you need so they can truly support you in that moment. If you feel you are leaning on them too much or don’t have people who are good listeners, consider talking with a fertility-focused therapist. 

3.     Plan for you - Plan to do things special to you (and your partner if you have one) in addition to or instead of potentially triggering family traditions. Cook the things you love that make this time of year special for you, plan a day trip for yourself, the two of you, or with trusted friends. Create new traditions that have meaning to you…even better if they involve self-care (pre-holiday massage, comedy movie binge that includes movies that have nothing to do with kids, signing up for a soothing yoga class, etc).

4.     Prepare your responses to annoying questions like

  • “Do you have kids”?

  • “When are you guys going to start a family?” or “have another baby?”

  • “How are the fertility treatments going?”

  •  some ideas for responses may be “We trust it will happen when it’s meant to happen“ or  “We’re trying! We’ll let you know when there is news!” or “Maybe one day. How about that game, weather event, political thing (change the subject)?”

5.     Navigating grief during the holidays - If you recently experienced a loss (failed embryo transfer, miscarriage, stillbirth, etc) the holidays can be even harder. Sometimes we fantasized how the holidays would be (pregnant, with our baby) and they end up being very different. Just acknowledging this grief can be potent. It may also come with anger and frustration. Acknowledging these strong and valid emotions helps them dissipate. Also keep in mind, you can be both grieving and feeling big hard emotions and also still have some moments you enjoy. Try to allow room for both. 

6.     Consider alcohol substitutes - If you want to participate but don’t want the alcohol, there are lots of options. Sometimes it is easier to seem like you have a drink than field questions as to why you aren’t drinking. The market is booming with Non-Alcoholic beverages post-pandemic when many people indulged a bit too much. Consider trying some of the following ideas if you are used to drinking at parties, but want to avoid alcohol now:

  • Bitters and soda (available at every bar)

  • Cranberry juice and soda with lime

  • Mocktails (many restaurants with cocktail menus now have a few of these, too)

  • NA beers and wine

  • Canned pre-made NA drinks that travel well

  • If you live in NYC, checkout Boisson an entire shop dedicated to NA drinks with locations in Manhattan and Brooklyn! They also ship!

7.     Mindful eating if you are eating a fertility diet – If you have made dietary changes to improve your fertility (see our recommendations here), well done! The holidays can make it harder to stick to a diet and sometimes it may feel like your diet is derailing, but we invite you to consider the following tips from Integrative Health Coach Kara Becker of The Calla Collective:

  • Make a conscious choice on whether or not (or at which party) you want to indulge.  Maybe some foods are worth it, but the others not. Be selective.

  • Be mindful of grazing before meals. Maybe ask about the menu and see what you’d really like to experience so you can make a plan. You don’t have to eat everything. You also don’t have to avoid things you love around the holidays and don’t want to miss.

  • Have a high-quality breakfast/morning exercise on the day of a big party

  • Practice “crowding out”, emphasizing protein and veggies first, then saving room for indulgences you don’t want to miss in smaller quantities.

  • Plan for a post meal walk

  • Prioritize good sleep and self-care. Sleep deprivation makes it harder to make good choices.

  • If you do indulge and cut loose way beyond what you had planned, totally fine!!! The worst thing you can do is stress about it and judge yourself.  Accept that maybe you needed the release and allow yourself to feel that release. Then make a plan for moving forward to make choices that make your body feel good and are aligned with your goals. Leave the judgement behind you.

8.     Form a party exit plan ahead of time. If you attend events with a partner or friend, form a plan or signal ahead of time to communicate you are ready to go. Consider leaning on a trusted loved one at the party to communicate to the rest that you called it a night early. If you are with someone at the event, talk about the plan ahead of time so you are both (or all) on the same page.

9.     Optimize this time for future fertility (or completely take a break if that is what you need!)

  • Work with an acupuncturist to make a plan for optimum diet, supplements, herbs and regular acupuncture if you are prepping for a retrieval cycle and/or transfer in the New Year. Can’t make it in person to see us? Book a Virtual Intake with one of our acupuncturists and we’ll form a plan you can implement immediately.

  • Get up to date on vaccinations, cancer screenings, physicals and any other tests you’ve been putting off.

  • Take a trip you’ve been putting off due to fertility treatments, especially if you are feeling burnt out.


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