Validating and processing emotions is far more important for optimizing fertility than faking positivity. Many of our patients feel guilt or shame for having negative emotions like fear and anxiety while trying to get pregnant or during an IVF cycle. They assume or have been told the only way they will conceive is if they stay positive, but this is just another way our brains like to feel in control. And it’s definitely not how conception works! Having hope and feeling genuinely positive is a much nicer mental state than the negative stuff, but it’s not required for conceiving, and ignoring the rest of your emotions can create intense anxiety. Sometimes we’ve got to process the hard emotions to get back to the more pleasant feelings of hope.
Struggling to conceive is hard on any person who experiences it and no matter how hard you, your doctor or any support person tries, we can’t control or force a pregnancy to happen exactly when or how we want it to. This is what makes infertility so tough, and it can create frustration, fear, anger, resentment, jealousy, shame, or despair. These emotions are normal! But they don’t feel very good, so we like to help our patients navigate THROUGH them, rather than resist or suppress them. Try the steps below to help you process these tough emotions in a way that supports your emotional health, your well-being, and your fertility. We hope it can help you lift the burden of forced positivity so you can navigate all emotions while trying to conceive, even the uncomfortable ones.
1. Acknowledge the emotion
Say it out loud! "I am angry I have to do another IVF" or "I resent that Suzy is on her second pregnancy and I am doing yet another IUI". Whatever it is you feel, give it a name to acknowledge it. You can say it out loud to yourself, a trusted loved one, a therapist, or even write it down. Remember that this exercise is for you, so don’t direct your feeling onto someone, just merely acknowledge the emotion. Getting it out and identifying it is a powerful way to start processing emotions. Sometimes anxiety just feels intense and uncomfortable, and we can’t figure out what exactly we are feeling. If you are experiencing this, try listing each emotion and check in with yourself to see if it resonates. “Am I sad?” Yes! “What am I sad about?” Then list everything you can think of that may be contributing. Do the same for anger, resentment, jealousy, shame, fear, etc.
2. Validate the emotion
It is ok to feel these emotions. Try to lift any self-judgement you might feel. Your feelings are just feelings, and they are valid. They don’t mean anything about how well you are coping, what your future will be, what you deserve, or how strong you are. They are just sensations and thoughts you experience and then they dissipate.
3. Process the emotion
Crying is a great way to process if you feel the urge. It can also be helpful to dance, run, scream, or move in whatever way works for you. Movement can help get emotions flowing through and out of your body, so explore exercise or movement that feels good to you. Free-writing is another method to process emotions. Try writing with pen and paper or typing in a new document. Write down everything that comes to mind in a stream-of-consciousness, knowing you can shred or delete it all afterward. Nothing is off-limits. Don’t worry about spelling or grammar. Remember, the point is not to memorialize your thoughts, it is to get it out of you and help your inner self feel heard and supported. Focus on the emotion while taking these actions and visualize releasing them.
4. Come back to the present
After acknowledging, validating, and processing your emotions, try to get quiet and focus on the current moment. Focus on what you hear, smell, see, etc. Focus on the sensation of breathing or fabric on your skin. Once you feel settled back in your current surroundings, try doing something soothing like taking a bath or hot shower, sipping a cup of tea, watching a funny show or reading a good novel. Our patients often report that getting acupuncture is also a helpful way to facilitate processing emotions and anxiety during fertility struggles. In fact, a recent meta-analysis of some 1785 patients showed a significant number reported improvement in anxiety when receiving acupuncture during an IVF retrieval or transfer cycle.
Sometimes we get caught up in predicting the future, triggering emotional reactions to what could happen, but not what currently IS happening. It’s particularly easy to do during a fertility journey. We often try to plan for all scenarios and pre-prepare to face each one, especially the worst outcomes. I find that very smart women do this the most. People who are used to problem solving will try and solve every scenario, but it mostly ends up just creating anxiety and not helping. If you find yourself doing this, try to focus on the current step or phase you are in on your journey. Trust yourself to take the next step or shift course when/if it feels right. Think of it like a video game, you can only play the screen you are on…you can’t play ten screens ahead. Once you play this screen, you unlock the next. You never know what you will face several screens ahead, what resources you’ll have, or what new knowledge you will have acquired.